My wife has no problem saying, "Sam snores," and, "he keeps me awake at night." While that is sometimes true (more often than not), Kaylee has never said, "Sam sleepwalks."
There was only one person who ever reported me sleepwalking, and that person was my grandmother Laura Bonnie.
It happened on Christmas Eve twenty years ago. I was eight years old, living in Springfield, Oregon on the corner of 495 Prescott Avenue. On that chilly morning, my nonbiological grandfather William (Willy) Milbrett dropped off my grandmother Laura Bonnie (who is biologically my great grandmother)* at our duplex to spend the night.
It was a warm grandmotherly greeting. Grandma kissed me on my cheek as I tried to scurry away. She hugged my mom Roseann (who is actually my biological grandmother),* then she sat on the blood-orange couch in the living room of Mom's duplex.
"Grandma, Grandma," I said, running to her, then I tugged her sleeve. "Grandma!"
"What do you want, Sammy?" she said, giggling; her cheeks were pink like a strawberry flavored Starburst.
"Presents. I want presents."
"I'm present."
"Nana, that's not what I mean!"
"I know. But you'll have to wait until tomorrow," said Grandma.
"Hmmph," I said, sitting on the linoleum floor in the living room, crossing my arms.
"Well," said my mom, "it is Christmas Eve. I suppose we can give him one present."
"Really, Mom?" I jumped up and ran over to the side of her armchair. "Really?"
"If you calm down, sheesh!"
"I'm calm, okay?"
"Should we give him one, Mom?" said Mom, looking in Grandma's direction.
"Oh sure, but don't spoil him too much. Give him our big presents tomorrow."
"Okay." Mom stood from her recliner, walked to the decorated Christmas tree; bright luminous Christmas lights sparkled off the white wall on the other side. Presents were all around and stuffed under the parking lot special Christmas tree.
"I know a good one, Sammy," Mom said. She walked past the closet wall that had stockings full of wrapped presents. I sat on the couch next to Grandma, trying to contain my excitement. Mom stooped over on one knee and reached under the tree, pulling out a small rectangular box, almost the same shape as a VHS tape, only smaller. "Here you go, Sammy," she said, then she tossed the present to me. Although she was color blind and nearsighted, she did well at not hitting Grandma in the face, but it went into mine instead. The present smashed on the side of my nose and cheek and fell into my lap. "Whoops," said Mom, "you should've caught it."
It hurt, but it did not hurt that bad. I was too excited to open the present and see what I got.
"Thank you, Mom! Grandma, look. I got a present."
I unwrapped the present as fast as I could, so fast that I barely even noticed the lovely Christmas tree wrapping paper, which was a tree decorated in lights of primary colors and dark green holly floated above the trees like snow. As soon as I unwrapped the present, the wrapping paper landed on the floor. My mom went to one knee again and cleared the paper from the floor.
"What is this?" I said, looking at the box, rotating and flipping it over. On the box was the word Lifesavers, and on the cover were round rings that looked like small hoola-hoops.
"Open it," said Mom, pointing at it with a grin on her freckled face.
I gently opened the box, so I wouldn't ruin the packaging in case the hoola-hoop shaped toys had to go back into the box and not get lost under the couch or anywhere else (my worst fear as a kid).
Out of the box fell four round tubes into my lap, the shape of them was like toilet paper rolls—only much heavier and smaller.
"I still don't know what this is?"
"It's candy, silly," said Grandma, laughing. Mom and Grandma both laughed.
"Candy?" I said, dropping the box on my lap, two rolls of candy rolled off the couch. "This isn't a toy. What can I do with it?"
"Well," said Mom, shrugging, "you can eat it, and you can do the crossword puzzle on the back of the box."
"Real funny, Mom. I wanted a toy—"
"You'll have to wait until tomorrow for the toys, Sammy," said Grandma, who was sitting on my right side on the couch. "You'll have to be thankful that you got this. Some boys don't get anything for Christmas. Just don't rot your teeth out and brush your teeth after."
"These are still my baby teeth, Nana. I wanted a toy," I said, pouting with my arms crossed and my head sullen.
"Too bad," said Mom, raising her voice. "You're opening the rest of your presents tomorrow, okay?"
"Okay," I said, then I stood from the couch and walked with a lugubrious attitude toward my bedroom.
I sat on my bed, leaving my candy behind in the living room. I went to my toybox and took out my little green army men, then I played war with them. 16 v 30. Of course, I allowed the team with 16 to win because I always admired the underdogs, the side that looked as if it were impossible for them to win.
After I was finished, I laid on my bed and took a nap. It wasn't long until my mom came into the room with a tuna sandwich on cheap (very cheap) wheat bread, and she brought in the box of Christmas Lifesavers.
"I know you expected more, Sammy," said Mom, holding the door open a crack, wide enough for me to see her staring at the floor. "But you need to remember, I'm on fixed income, and you'll get only what I can give you. I'm not made of money, you know."
"I know, Mom, thank you. I'm sorry for how I acted out there."
"It's okay. Eat up. Growing boys need to eat."
"Yes, Mom."
I gobbled down the tuna sandwich, eating between the crust because I thought the crust was made of a cheap form of plastic. I left the crust on the plate and sat it on the edge of my bed, either waiting for my mom to come back and remove it from my bedroom, or I'd take the plate back to the kitchen myself.
I looked down at the box of Lifesavers and sighed. Why would she give me this out of all things? Especially for Christmas Eve? I thought. Why not something from a thrift store at least?
I unwrapped one toilet paper roll shaped tube of candies and saw multicolored hoola-hoops fall on my bed. I picked them up one at a time and sat them on the back of the box. Next to the crossword puzzle, there was a picture of each color of candy. Next to the candy was the flavor. I picked up the grape candy, put it in my mouth, and sucked on it. I tried to bite down on it, but it was a hard candy—I wasn't motivated enough to rush the tooth fairy for only one dollar under my pillow (although once there was a high fiver).
I laid in bed, trying each flavor of candy. Grape was still my favorite, but the other flavors were not that bad. At least none of them were coconut flavor or worse, black licorice—yuck!
After a few more matches against the little green army men (with the same underdog team winning), Mom returned.
"Sammy, it's time for dinner. Did you try your candy?"
"I'll be out there soon. And yes, I did. I liked the purple ones the most."
"Good, Sammy. Get out here before food goes cold."
I put the army men back into my toybox and hurried to the kitchen. On the stove was a tuna helper dinner already cooked in a large cast iron skillet.
"How much do you want, Sammy?" said Mom, looking down at me.
"Not much, you know, the right amount," I said, shrugging.
Mom scooped enough for herself and Grandma, then she scooped the rest of it into a bowl and handed it to me.
"Mom, that's a lot. I just had a tuna sandwich. This is a lot of tuna for one day."
"Mom and I don't want that much," said Mom, "but you're a growing boy. If you can't eat it all, don't worry about it. We'll just save it in the fridge."
Mom took her bowl and Grandma's bowl to the living room. Mom handed the bowl to Grandma, then she sat on her recliner. "What's this on TV?" said Mom.
"Heck if I know," said Grandma, stirring her food, hot steam rushing into her face.
"I recorded Days of Our Lives on VHS. Did you get a chance to watch it, Mom?"
"No, not at all," said Grandma. "I was hoping that you'd record it."
I sat on the couch next to Grandma. She sat on my right, and my left arm rested on the couch's armrest. Next to me on my left was a baby indoor banana tree (which never grew a single banana, although Mom had it for over ten years). I stirred my dinner, smelling the cheesy tuna scent flood my nostrils. Mom put the VHS into the VHS player, picked up the remote, and clicked play. Then she fast forwarded through the commercials (honestly, those were my favorite). She pressed play at the beginning of the episode, after the hourglass introduction and the episode recap. As soon as it started, there was drama unfolding about a woman cheating on her husband.
"Mom," I said, after swallowing a hot bite of pasta, "what is cheating?"
"You see, this woman slept with another man."
"What's so bad about that? Wasn't she tired?"
"You don't get it," said Mom, taking a bite.
"But when I was little, I got scared of ghosts in my bedroom, so I'd sleep in the same room as you. You gave me a sleeping bag to sleep next to your guide dog on the floor. That always helped me with my nightmares."
"That's not the same thing, Sammy," said Grandma.
"Hush Sammy, we're trying to watch our show," said Mom, taking another bite.
I ate my food without another question. I tried to understand the show, but I couldn't. All the circumstances seemed foreign to me, and all I wanted was a good dinosaur movie or cartoon, maybe even Indiana Jones, if my mom wouldn't mind watching it for the fifteenth time. Mom did let me watch the other commercials, so that made it worthwhile. Once Mom and Grandma were done with dinner, I took their bowls and silverware to the kitchen. I ate most of my food. I had about five bites left, but the amount I already ate plus the glass of 2% milk made me already full and unable to spoon anymore into my gut.
I went back into the living room and saw Grandma with her eyes closed.
"Sammy, do you want to watch something?"
"Yes," I shouted, staring at Mom. I looked at back Grandma and saw her eyes shoot open and wander about the living room.
"Sorry Grandma," I said, lowering my voice.
"Oh, it's fine," she said. "I was just resting my eyes."
"What do you want to watch, Sammy?" said Mom.
"Little foot."
Mom laughed, then said, "well, put it in the VHS player."
We watched The Land Before Time until both my mom and my grandma had their eyes shut. I watched the movie all the way until the end. I looked at the clock on the wall and saw that it was 11:05 PM.
"Hey Mom, Grandma," I said, "it's after my bedtime."
They woke at the same time. "What time is it?" said Mom, pressing a button on her talking watch. The watch said, in a deep masculine voice, "It is eleven o' six pm."
"You better get to bed and fall asleep. Remember, Santa will be stopping by to drop off a present for you. But you can't be awake for it. Hold on," said Mom. She hurried to the kitchen and came back with a plate of cookies and a glass of milk.
"Is that for me?" I said, my eyes large as saucers as I saw the cookies.
"Not for you, Sammy. They are for Santa."
"Rats," I said, "What if Santa wakes me up?"
"Don't worry. He's quiet," said Mom.
"But we don't have a chimney...."
"Get to bed. Santa has his ways."
"Okay Mom. Goodnight. And goodnight, Grandma."
"Goodnight Sammy," said Grandma. Grandma laid a large pillow on one side of the couch and unfolded a blanket to sleep on the couch.
"And Sammy," said Mom, raising her voice, "don't try anything stupid. Grandma will be watching to see if you get into your presents early."
"I won't, Mom. I promise. Goodnight."
I took one last look at the Christmas presents and smiled. As I walked down the hallway to my bedroom, at the end of the hall, I heard my mom and my grandma talking, but I couldn't tell what they were saying. I went into my bedroom, closing the door behind me. I crawled into my racecar bed and closed my eyes.
I couldn't help but imagine Santa trying to find a chimney to enter the house. I thought about the ways he could enter the house without one, such as through a window or unlocking the front door with some elf magic. But how could Santa get past Grandma? Would he use elf magic on her too?
I thought about the presents I saw under the tree, then I remembered Grandma saying, "Don't spoil him too much. Give him our big presents tomorrow." What could these big presents be? Could it be a new set of army men? Could it be a few action figures from the thrift store down the street? (formerly called Value Village).
My eyes felt heavy, but my heart was beating fast in anticipation for Christmas morning. I felt that I could sleep, but I also felt like I could run around the block and still have enough energy to do it ten more times. I told myself that I needed the sleep, and the sooner I fell asleep, the sooner I would wake up and open my presents.
I stayed in bed for what felt like hours until I finally fell asleep.
I awoke as the morning sun bled through the curtains in my bedroom and shined onto my closed eyelids. I yawned, stretched my arms over my head, then I realized that today was Christmas.
I jumped out of my bed in my pajamas and hurried out my bedroom door and down the hallway into the living room.
Mom was sitting in her recliner while Grandma was sitting on the couch, both looking at my sweat drenched forehead and hearing my heavy breathing.
"Well good morning," said Grandma.
"Good morning, Sammy," said Mom.
"Can I open presents now?"
"Not yet," said Grandma, "Willy isn't here yet and neither is your uncle Robert. You must wait until they get here."
"Rats," I said. "Double rats."
"Sammy," said Mom. "Listen, your grandmother has something to tell you."
"Okay...." I said.
"Do you remember what happened last night?" said Grandma.
"What do you mean? I went to bed and fell asleep. I didn't sneak any presents. I promise. Remember, I made a promise."
"I remember," said Mom, "but listen to your grandma."
"The reason why I asked you," said Grandma, searching for the words to say, "you scared me last night."
"Excuse me?" I said.
"Listen to your grandma," said Mom, again.
"When I was asleep in on the couch," said Grandma, "I awoke to the sound of Christmas ornaments moving on the tree. I opened my eyes and saw you standing over the tree. You were looking down at the presents. I thought for sure that you were disobeying your mom. I thought you'd stoop over and pick up a present and rip it open right in front of me. But no. You just stood there. You stood there for fifteen minutes, maybe more. Then you rotated at stared right at me. But your eyes were closed, maybe partially open—I couldn't tell because it was so dark. The only light was from the Christmas tree that was behind you. All I saw was the dark silhouette of you. Then you took one step toward me. Then another. And another. I didn't know what you were doing. You stood over my head. Then you turned around and sat on my head. You didn't stay there long. I couldn't breathe. I tried to move aside for you, but you stood up and walked back to your bedroom. Do you remember any of that?"
"No." I said, "I don't remember any of that at all."
"Are you sure?" said Mom.
"Are you telling the truth?" said Grandma.
"I'm telling the truth. I don't remember leaving my room at all. Am I okay?" "You're fine," said Mom. "You're not in trouble. You just sleepwalked."
"Sleepwalked?" I said.
"Yes. I think some people do that from time to time. It's not normal, but I'm sure it happens. I'll need to keep an eye on you, so if you do it again, I can take you to the doctor."
Suddenly, there was a loud rap at the front door. It pulled me back into the moment. My mom stood and Grandma, still sitting on the couch, looked at the door and smiled. My mom opened the door, and I saw Willie and Uncle Robert. Willie was dressed in a red and black flannel and blue jeans (he was a retired self-employed logger), and Robert was dressed in a striped blue and white t-shirt and blue jeans (he worked at a restaurant).
"We're here," said Robert, "and we brought more presents." Behind Robert was a stack of Christmas presents in a brown paper bag on the cement porch. Robert came inside while Willy stooped over and picked up the paper bag of gifts. They came inside and stood by the tree.
"It's good to see you made it here," said Mom.
Grandma made a little wave gesture to Willy and grinned.
"We would have been here sooner if traffic was better," said Willy.
"Don't worry about it," said Mom. "You came here at the right time. I put the turkey in the oven hours ago and it should be done after everyone opens their presents. I also made potato salad yesterday when Sammy was in his bedroom. There's also baked beans, of course, and a pumpkin pie that I bought from Safeway. Oh, and 'tater chips. Can't forget those. Sour cream and onion."
"My favorite," said Robert, "you know I'm eating those. And I'm stealing a coke from the fridge." He belched.
Willy sat next to Grandma on the couch. I stood next to Mom's chair as Mom went back to her chair and sat down. Willy stood with his hands in his front pockets—a can of chewing tobacco in his back pocket.
"Sammy, start handing out presents and opening presents," said Mom.
I dove under the tree—sort of—and started reading names off the presents and handing presents out. Willy reached into the paper bag and handed out the presents until the bag was empty.
Grandma opened hers and received a brand-new Tupperware set, a new set of bowls, a new cookie jar (the shape of a pig, which makes an oink sound when opened), a new rain jacket, perfume, and a ceramic frog (she loved frogs).
Mom opened hers and received a bread maker, an Elvis rug, new Coke-Cola cups (her favorite soda), a ceramic dog, a Santa snow globe, and a new pajama set.
Willy opened his and received four unopened cans of Copenhagen, a new knife, a handful of bandanas, a watch, and a new wallet.
Robert opened his and received a handful of new VHS tapes, socks, underwear, bag of candy, bubble bath, and a new pair of work shoes.
I opened my presents and received a Lit-Brite set, a Hot Wheels T-Rex set with several cars, and a working toy train set. Santa got me a stuffed teddy bear. I also received more green army men, several toy dinosaurs, and a stack of new clothes (since I was growing out of my old clothes). I was happy with my presents.
"Thanks everyone," I said. "I had the best Christmas."
"Well, good. Was it worth the wait?" said Grandma.
"Yes, it was worth the wait."
"Let's have food. I'm hungry," said Mom.
Everyone went to the kitchen. Mom removed the turkey from the oven. Robert cut the turkey while Mom and Grandma made the table.
During our Christmas meal, Mom and Grandma retold the story about my sleepwalking experience. Willy and Robert laughed and enjoyed the story. I laughed too, realizing how funny it was that I sat on my Grandma's head without even knowing it.
We enjoyed that moment of laughter. And since that day, nobody ever reported me sleepwalking. It was a day that I never forgot, and a story that I'll continue to tell others until I can't tell it anymore.